Understanding Powerlessness And False Hope

GOAL:  When facing a significant loss, I will remain hopeful and seek to resolve the situation unless or until I run out of problem solving actions.  Then, I will accept the hopelessness of regaining what I have lost and grieve.  I realize that following a loss, the behaviors of false hope, such as resentment and self-pity, are appealing.  I am committed to increasing my ability to move from these behaviors into grief.

When we face a loss and prevention is impossible, we are not likely to accept such a powerless position immediately.  We will react with denial of the hopelessness most of the time.  Sometimes this is legitimate, if we are just now facing the crisis and have not attempted all of the remedies.  As we run through our behaviors in an effort to correct the situation, we come to realize that we cannot prevent the loss.  At this point, we reluctantly accept our powerlessness and are willing to face our losses.  We can do nothing else.  The healthy way to work through a loss and return to normal functioning is the process of grieving. 

Most of us associate grieving with the sadness of losing a loved one; we need to grieve over all losses, however small.  Although grief is a natural part of our human instincts, some persons never make it through the grieving process.

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Hope

We embrace hope believing that any loss is temporary or that we can avoid it.  We hope to bypass the need to grieve.  We think that we can solve the problems involved or, through requests or manipulations, get others to save us from the loss.  Sometimes manipulation results in even bigger losses in the future.  Still, our hopes are secure in the present.  If all else fails, we are hopeful that we can escape the stress that resulted from the loss.  Since escapes are usually temporary, the hope may be short lived.

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False Hope

As we move from being hopeful to hopeless, we go through an interim stage of false hope in which we engage in the kind of feeling, thinking, and behaving that assists us in avoiding facing the hopeless condition.

When we anticipate trouble that we cannot avoid, we are not likely to accept the situation immediately.  When we confront a sense of powerlessness, our first response is usually denial.  Often this response is a protective measure, since some impending losses—the death of a loved one or a diagnosis of terminal cancer, for instance—might otherwise overwhelm us and produce illness.

Resentment

Resentment is a manifestation of false hope.  Resentment is anger lasting over a period of time, and differs from the original anger that caused it.  Anger is not usually an act of will; it just comes as a reflexive response.  Resentment is intentional.  It comes from our thoughts, not our impulses.  We keep the emotion of anger alive by running a mental videotape of the original event that caused it.  We may tell others about what happened or plot to get even.  We must actively pursue resentment if it is to remain alive.

Resentment is not a welcome experience.  So why would anyone want to prolong it?  The false hope present in the state of resentment is that staying mad about what happened gives us a chance of getting justice.  We are motivated to maintain the resentment by the quest for justice.  Some people are capable of killing in their attempt to get personal justice.  At a less intense level, resentment is a frequent problem in relationships.  We not only reserve resentment for those who do bad things, but also assigned our disfavor to those who receive rewards that we believe are undeserved.

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Process of Grieving

Grieving is a natural process but for a number of reasons, one that people find difficult.  Most of my work in this area has been with people whose grief is blocked.  Sometimes the loss is many years old, and yet there has been little relief.  The following steps are important in facilitating the grieving process:

1.       We must list the losses for which we need to grieve, and rank priorities.  Sample lists appear in tables below. 

2.       We must accept powerlessness.  Grief is the emotional response to loss.  We naturally prefer to be in control, but we must realize that we are powerless to restore or eliminate the loss.  Only then can we move on to other aspects of our lives over which we have some control.

3.       We must abandon strategies that offer false hope.  Emotions such as resentment and suffering give us false hope.  Both are motivated by a desire for justice.  We think that if we can stay mad or suffer enough, we might get revenge or be rescued.  To give these up again is to acknowledge a lack of order or control in our lives.  Escapes can produce false hope.

4.       We must be willing to endure the pain of grieving.  Grief involves intense pain that is psychological and sometimes physical.  Anxiety about lack of control, and a fear that despondency will last forever often accompanies the deep sadness.

5.       We must separate the losses from the person or event that precipitated them.  Sometimes this process is very difficult.  We must remember that anger is a natural part of any loss but must be worked through before grieving can be completed.  Whereas grief paves the way for acceptance, anger impels us to overcome a block or solve a problem.  When we think of the cause of our loss, we generally feel angry all over again.

6.       We then take each loss, one at a time—think about it, embrace it with all of our senses, and let it hurt.  We concentrate on one loss, thinking of it at least once each day until the hurt reduces.  Then we move on to the next loss and repeat the process.

7.       We let go of the losses symbolically by burning the list, burying it, or tying it to a helium balloon and watching it disappear into the heavens.

LISTING LOSSES (Examples)

            Listing losses is a significant part of the grieving process.  Losses excluded from the list will result in incomplete grief, so the feeling will return.   Still, it is difficult to think of all the nuances of what we lost.  Most of us in the process of grieving will feel we have grieved through the losses, only to have the grief return later.  Following are some additional lists to stimulate thinking about listing personal losses

Losses From a Negative Performance Review