Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a necessary step in letting go of past events that have fueled the resentment.  All of us can suppress the tendency to act on resentment for a time, but we may create a time bomb in which the relationship harming behaviors return later.  Forgiveness puts past hurts, disappointments and angers to rest forever.

STEP 1:  Know that forgiveness is not letting someone else off the hook, but is a gift to ourselves, letting us off the hook.  To forgive does not mean that you have to reestablish an unhealthy relationship.

STEP 2.:  We carry resentment because we have lost something in the relationship.  We need to grieve those losses in order continue with forgiveness.  Grief relieves resentment.  A sense of powerlessness leads to resentment at first, and can lead to healthy grief later.  When we face a loss and prevention of the situation is impossible, we are not likely to accept such a powerless position immediately.  Denial is a more likely choice.  Our denial may be supported by emotions that give us false hope, such as resentment and self-pity.  Falsely we believe that if we can stay mad about it, we may get justice and if we drop the resentment we drop our chances for justice.  In self-pity we may believe that if we suffer enough (this is not fair, or I can’t stand this or why does this have to happen to me), someone will take pity on us and save us from having to face the loss.

To progress in forgiveness we must at least be willing to (not necessarily able to) give up the false hope expressed through resentment or self-pity.

STEP 3:  We must lead ourselves into the process of grieving.

·         First, list the losses for which we need to grieve and rank them into priorities.

·         Separate the losses from the person or event that precipitated them.  Anger is a natural part of any loss but must be worked through before grieving can be completed.  When we think of the cause of our losses, we generally feel angry all over again.

·         Take each loss, one at a time—think about it, embrace it with all of our senses, and let it hurt.  Concentrate on one loss, thinking of it at least once each day until the hurt is gone.  Move on to the next loss and repeat the process.

·         Let go of the loss symbolically by burning the list, burying it, or tying it to a helium balloon and watching it disappear into the heavens.

STEP 4:  Picture in our minds eye the image of the event, other person, and ourselves, involved in the forgiveness—and say, “I release you and myself from the burden of my resentment.”  Meditate on this thought.  For one week pray at least once a day for the well being of the person being forgiven.

STEP 5:  Forgiveness is from the heart, not the head.  When we have completed the four steps above and don’t feel emotional relief, we should repeat the process, beginning with step 1.  Before we recycle, we should be sure that we have forgiven ourselves for resenting in the first place.

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What can we do about our belief in justice and restitution?  One writer has called revenge “junk food for the soul (24).”  Junk food gives us comfort and sometimes a high.  If we consume enough of it, our body may deteriorate.  Revenge may be sweet now, but it destroys our character.

            When a friend has chastised us in the past and now makes a stupid mistake, what do we do?  We could retaliate.  Such a response would be understandable.  Still, unless we expect to be perfect ourselves we are setting up ourselves for the next round.  We have created a loser in the contest who cannot wait to get back at us.  In addition, we have added another wound to the relationship.

If we choose not to take advantage of the opportunity, we will build character.  We will have avoided creating a new wound, and some old scars will perhaps heal.  I’m not saying that we need to give in passively.  It is okay to notice the mistake.  We could be nurturing.  In mentioning the error, we could position.  We may be allotted sympathy, restitution, and justifiable revenge, as well as support and be sympathetic with our friend, who may be feeling guilty.

Forgiving includes relinquishing the victim position.  We gain power and drama when we assume a victim the feeling of righteous indignation, which is one of the more powerful highs we can attain.  Some of us need to keep a mental list of wrongs done to us, which allows us to feel powerful and motivated and to cover our own mistakes that injure others.  Forgiving wipes out that list and reveals a number of personal problems that need solving.

Forgiveness does not mean allowing others to run over us without concern.  We are learning how to set boundaries, assert our rights, and defend against manipulators.  Forgiveness, which is about letting go of the past, does not ever prevent us from standing up for ourselves.

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Forgiving Ourselves

Sometimes we find it harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others.  Self-forgiveness is preceded by the admission, implicit or explicit, that we did something wrong.  Pride can interfere with acknowledgment of the mistake.  It is arrogant to expect perfection from ourselves or to believe that our sins are special and that they distinguish us from others.  When our errors seem too significant to be forgiven, we may feel that we are losing something by pardoning ourselves.  Still, we owe it to our loved ones to forgive ourselves.  Self-hatred will not make us pleasant company.  When self-love is blocked, forgiveness of past mistakes makes possible the necessary healing so that we can love ourselves again.

Self-forgiveness entails a responsibility and commitment to change.  Otherwise, it is only permission to misbehave.  Forgiveness is empty unless we make a commitment to take responsibility and be accountable for our future actions.  I do not mean that it would be unforgivable if we repeated the mistake.  However, unless we at least intend to change, forgiveness may in time become meaningless. 

When I was in the Navy, I knew a sailor who engaged in unprotected sex.  In Mediterranean port cities, he often contracted a “social disease,” which was no problem to him.  He simply went to the ship’s infirmary for a shot of penicillin.  Later he developed the habit of taking a preventive shot after each liberty.  In time he developed an allergic reaction to penicillin! 

The practice of self-forgiveness in the absence of an intention to change may similarly lose its effectiveness.  Like the sailor, the self-forgiver who abuses the process will find that the healing power is lost.  Forgiveness of self starts as with the same process as forgiving others—grief.