Establishing Trust

Goal:  I will stop blaming my mistrust solely on others.  I know that as I learn to cope with the behavior of those in my environment, I will feel safer and my trust will increase.

Trust reflects our feeling of safety in relationships.  To be most effective, the trust should be mutual and not one-sided.  Intimacy, which can feel risky, depends a great deal on the presence of mutual trust.  Defensiveness, hostility, and attempts to change those close to us, can diminish intimacy.

The level of trust in a relationship can be roughly measured by the controlling, defensive, stonewalling or denying behaviors present.  When a person’s need to engage in these maneuvers is low, the level of trust is high.  When someone has a strong need to engage in such behaviors, trust is low.

What are some common misunderstandings about trust?  First of all, we want to believe that people we mistrust can regain our trust by their good behavior.  This hope seems rational but is seldom justified in practice.  When we observe desirable behavior for a while, we may not be persuaded.  Most of us have had the experience of watching a person’s good behavior last for some time but eventually--and seemingly inevitably--end with a blunder.  We find ourselves waiting expectantly for the mistake.  Trust always involves a risk on the part of the person who was betrayed the first time. 

                An example from my practice involves Ellen, who was suspicious of her boyfriend.  He had acted peculiarly when he returned from an out-of-town trip, and she was worried that he was cheating on her.  In a counseling session she announced that she had borrowed a truck that he would not recognize.  She planned to spend the night outside his apartment, spying.  I advised against this detective behavior.  She decided to do it anyway, and no visitors appeared.  Was her trust restored?  Not at all. She reflected, "Maybe that wasn't the night. I can't watch him every night.  I have to work."

                To trust we need a balance of power in relationships.  This doesn’t mean 50/50, but each party needs enough say so that he or she doesn’t stockpile anger.  We must solve problems: 1) without blame, 2)without withdrawing, 3)by making requests instead of demands, 4) be willing to listen, compromise, and forgive.  We must cope with boundary issues and be able to communicate.

FROM HIGH TRUST TO LOW LEVELS OF TRUST Rank these ten statements as they apply to you   

1. I can take care of myself, so, the behavior of others seldom bothers me.
2. When I have relationship troubles I view them as my problem to solve.
3. When people make mistakes, I give them another chance.
4.  I trust most people until they let me down then, I write them off.
5. I can be at ease with almost anyone as long as I get approval.
6. I feel safe only when I get special treatment.
7. I have to know exactly what to expect from others.
8. I have a select group or people who do things my way.
9. I feel comfortable when others know exactly what I want and do it.
10. I feel relaxed only when other people are perfect.

 

 

THE SECURITY OF VALIDATING WHAT WE BELIEVE AND FEAR OF DOUBTING A BELIEF

 

Mark 9: 30-37

Jesus and his disciples went on from there and passed through Galilee.  He did not want anyone to know it; for he was teaching his disciple, saying to them, ‘The son of Man is to be betrayed into human hands, and they will kill him, and three days after being killed, he will rise again.’  But they did not understand what he was saying and were afraid to ask him.  Then they came to Capernaum; and when he was in the house he asked them, ‘What were you arguing about on the way?’  But they were silent, for on the way they had argued with one another about who was the greatest.  He sat down, called the twelve and said to them, ‘Whoever wants to be first must be last of all and servant of all.’  Then he took a little child and put it among them; ‘Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes not me but the one who sent me.’

 

Psychological Points

All of us will go to great lengths to validate a strongly held belief.  Our security rests on the premise that we know how the world works and how people behave.  We will validate a belief that we may hate.  For example, some believe they are unlovable and will treat others unkindly and in return are treated as unlikeable, much less unlovable.

 

The odds are that the disciples were faced with two opposing beliefs:  as number two below suggests, they learned early in life that human being don’t die, then rise later alive.  It may have been more of a feeling than a thought.  This belief may have conflicted with hearing from the ultimate authority, Jesus.  They escaped into denial and involved themselves in a distracting emotional discussion of who among them is the greatest.

 

 

 

How We Adopt the Beliefs and Values that Become the Core of Our Personal Reality

            It is important for the reader to understand how we assess reality.  Below are seven methods of the assessment process and individuals may favor one over the others are spread the testing of realty over several.

• Our five senses are our earliest method of testing our environment.  If we can taste it, smell it , touch it, hear it, or see it, it must be real.
• Also developing early in our lives is the emotion that a thing evokes in us.  If it feels either right or wrong, it must be.
• Intuition is a talent that some people have more than others do.  It may seems like it simply pops into our minds, but a more accurate picture would be like a giant supercomputer in our brain that processes lots of data unconsciously and produces an intuitive thought.
• Logical reasoning is subjecting our beliefs to a variety of intellectual tests to assess the voracity of the belief.
• Invention, made up reality, can become reality and shape beliefs.  I talked to a woman who grew up with horrible parenting and in poverty.  She invented a family by watching the Andy Griffith show.  Her beliefs about the world were shaped by her parenting by Andy and Aunt Bee.  Meeting her, no one would suspect the conditions of her actual upbringing.
• Relying on authority means that we rely on some credible (to us) resource outside of us to draw conclusions about what is real.  Our first authority are the adults in our family and many of our fundamental beliefs start within the family.
• Scientific method is a means of putting reality to a test.  We do not have to be scientists to do this.  We only have to make a prediction about an outcome of an action, in a particular situation, and the test the validity of that prediction.

Changing A Belief

             How do we change a belief?  The first requirement is that we must be convinced that continuing to act on the belief will not serve us well.  Further, we must make sure that we are totally fed up with the consequences of the behaviors generated by the belief.

            A second technique is to take the old belief into doubt.  We do this because moving from an unwanted belief to its opposite is often not a permanent change.  That is, we embrace the new desirable belief and smile at our success.  However, our new belief will not be 100% true.  We may find a flaw in the new belief or view a validation of the more established old belief and we run to the safety of the historical belief.

            To move the old belief into doubt seems to allow a more permanent adoption of the new belief when the shift is made in that direction.  We bring a belief into doubt by arguing both sides without a conclusion.  For example, Lena wanted to change her belief that men cannot be trusted.  Taking the attitude into doubt, she would say, “I know that it is ridiculous to adopt an absolute such as “all anything.”  But, look at my last live-in mate.  He was spending nights with me and bedding down this nurse most mornings.  She worked nights.  All of a sudden he started having early business breakfasts.  Yet, my best friend has been married for years and her husband treats like a queen.  Well, maybe she has not caught him—yet!  I have to remind myself that I dated a man who seemed trustworthy and I left him because be bored me.  But even he lied to me about liking my new haircut, and later told me the truth.”

            Another method of changing belief into doubt is to think of a belief that we once held but no longer believe (example, Santa Claus, or we have to hold someone’s hand when crossing the street.) and notice how you represent that belief in our mind and senses.  That is, the way you see it in your minds eye, feel about it, or hear it.  Now, create the belief that you want to change with that same way of representing it.

            Lena complained about the stress she felt in doing this exercise.  She reported an urge to favor one side over the other or to stop the process all together.  Fortunately, she persisted.

            The third step is to formulate a new belief.  Lena chose her new belief, “I will begin with trust in a new relationship until I have observable evidence of betrayal.  I will not react to rumor unless there is strong circumstantial evidence.  I won’t treat as serious, distortions that do no harm, such as compliments on my appearance that may not be totally honest.”

            Now, using one or more of the seven ways that we develop beliefs and values (sensory awareness, intuition, emotion, logic, invention, authority and scientific method) we look for flaws or truths in the new belief, and in the ways that we formulated the discarded belief.  Work toward disbelieving the old belief and reinforcing the new one.

            Finally, move that confidence into the new, desirable belief.  Once we adopt the new belief and prove it an advantage over the old, look for ways to validate it```.

 

 

STOPPING THE BLAME-Controlling the Victim Experience

 

Problems will not be addressed until we stop blaming others or ourselves!  Blame is the opposite of problem solving-even when the content of the blame is accurate.  Blame is the essence of the victim experience and this experience is the basis of immature social behaviors.  When we feel like a victim we scapegoat responsibility for solving our problems to others, or attempt to escape the problems.

 

 

Step 1:  Change Blame into a Solvable Problem

More often than not we can take the same circumstance that resulted in blame and rethink it into a solvable problem-one on which we can take action.  All problems can be defined in many different ways; some offering solutions while other definitions block solutions.  For example:

            Blame: “Of course I jumped on her. She flirted with John at the party!”

            Redefined: “My problem is to learn to cope with my jealousy and rage.”

 

Step 2: Own the Decisions that We Make

Many times we feel victimized, and therefore blame, because we seem to be forced into actions against our wills.  Often, instead of force being the problem, the “victim” has weighed the options and decided to follow the wishes of the “perpetrator.”  Then, the decision is forgotten and the blamer feels coerced.  When it is our decision, although not a perfect one, we are not a victim.

 

Why We Blame

We blame because the act gives us temporary relief and helps us avoid the perception that we need to change ourselves, which is hard to do.  Instead, our adversary must change.  These comments are frequently heard in conflict counseling: Why me?  It’s not fair!  Why do I have to do all the changing?  Such questions may give us relief by placing the onus to change on others involved.  Still, this approach is impractical and gives away our power to resolve the problem.

 

Blame is Past Tense

Bring the problem into the present, “Your may be right (in the blame content) but how can we solve the problem at this time?”

 

If the blamer persists: “I’m willing to listen to you solving the past problem if you will discuss with me the problem we have now!”

 

Stress vs. Burnout

 

            Sometimes people get confused about what is stress and what is burnout.  The two are often used interchangeably.  Actually, burnout is a special sub-category of extreme and usually prolonged distress.  Normal stress occurs any time that we do something with a degree of difficulty.  Distress happens when the demands in the situation exceed an individual’s resources to cope.  A person who cannot cope with criticism and working in a critical environment will be distressed.  A second person in the same workplace may have learned to cope with criticism and not be distressed.   Smaller stresses can accumulate and become distress that can cause emotional or physical damage.  Stress, before it reaches the level of distress, is motivational.  The motivation is to solve the problems causing the stress.  Distress can overload one’s system and interfere with problem solving.

            All of us are not subject to the condition of burnout.  Those at risk for burnout have (1) high standards for their personal performance.  The standards may be unrealistically high and impossible to achieve or the performance may occur in an inefficient system that blocks achievement.  This system may include (2) responsibility without control, (3) pressured work with little relief (deadlines), (4. accumulation of distress, or (5) no support from peers (6). conflicting demands by partners, coworkers or clients. 

            Early in the burned-out’s career he or she struggles to meet high standards from personal and unrealistic expectations or in a system that defeats success. The person may notice working more and more and accomplishing less.  The result is exhaustion, irritability, and a loss of immunity to illness.  There is less time for family and friends.  A sense of isolation develops and a suspiciousness toward others. The strugglers begin to feel powerless and hopeless about achieving their goals.  The continual feeling of loss results in depression.  Blame affords temporary relief, blaming the family, the legal system, those who are different, etc.  The blame may be accurate but does not lead to a solution.  At this point, he or she discovers a second means of partial relief.  Perhaps upon awakening one morning he or she might have a thought, “I don’t give a damn anymore.  I’ll go to work every day but I’m not going to bust my rear to do the impossible.  I just don’t care.”  That’s burnout!  In order to recover the burned out person must care again which causes a return to the old stress.

           

HOMEWORK

If you judge yourself as stressed or burned out (or depressed) you made need professional help.  Still, you can help your self by building a social support system, on the job and away from it.  Particularly, burned out, stressed, and depressed persons tend to isolate.

 

For me it is a challenge to accurately summarize my visit to the Holy Land.  As I toured through my hundreds of pictures I considered sharing the impact that I experienced from each of the sites.  That would be a book and not as thorough as a travel book.  My greatest benefit was an internal map of the Scripture that I read or hear.  On Palm Sunday I could follow the narrative with real pictures in my mind.  I knew the distance from the Mount of Olives to the Old City of Jerusalem.  I could visualize His last walk down Via Dolorosa, where He fell, and the spot where He saw His mother.  Scripture is alive and stirs something inside me.

You are dating a new person that you really like.  This could be the one or it could be too good to be true.  In time you lose trust, i.e. you don’t feel emotionally safe in the relationship.  You start defensive tactics without a clear idea of what is going on.  You get suspicious when he or she breaks a date and drive by the house to see if the car is there or if an unknown car is there. You feel threatened but no real evidence and you consider breaking off the relationship rather than be taken advantage of.  You hesitate for fear making a mistake. If this is a familiar pattern in your dating history, work on your self-esteem.

1. Don’t be distracted by your false pride.  False pride is an illusion of self-worth by feeling “better than.”  Don’t look for their weakness while hiding yours.  An increase in self-esteem relieves the need for false pride.
2. Don't make assumptions with little data to go on.  Be patient until the facts are revealed.
3. Don't get impulsive (I will get rid of you to avoid you hurting me) and mess up something that might prove good later on.
4. The decision to continue dating is made by deciding if you enjoy sending time with him or her.
5. When you suspect dating communications are manipulations, treat him or her with respect until,  or if, the truth is revealed.
6. Ask yourself about dating decisions, "Will I respect myself more or less if I follow this decision?"
7. Relax and don't expect more than he or she offers.  The relationship may not continue at some point but you can look back on it as enjoyable while it lasted and “I handle my part of it with dignity.”
8. Don’t fear dating.  Whatever the outcome, you will learn from the practice.
9. It is important to grieve if you are “dumped” in a relationship.  Grieving helps you drop resentment sooner. 

Matthew 21: 28-32

Jesus said: “What do you think? A man had two children. He went to the first and said, ’Child, go and work in my vineyard today.’ He answered, ‘I will not.’ But afterward he changed his mind and went. He went to the second son and spoke to him in the same way. He answered, ‘Certainly, sir.’ And he did not go. Which of these two did the will of his father?”“The first, they answered. Jesus said to them: “This is the truth I tell you—the tax-collectors and harlots go into the Kingdom of Heaven before you. For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe in him; but the tax-gatherers and harlots did believe him. And when you saw this, you did not even then change your minds, and so come to believe in him.”

Jesus was speaking to the Jewish leaders who said they would obey God and then did not. The tax-gatherers and the harlots said they would do it their way and then obeyed God’s way.

Psychological Insight

The psychological equivalent to the “bad son” is passive-aggressive behaviors. When we feel powerless, overcome by authority, or in danger of disrupting fragile relationships, we may choose to behave in passive-aggressive ways.  We may appear to go along with, evade, or procrastinate.  We may seem concerned but do nothing.  In congress, when constituents complain, our leaders may form a committee to study the problem, publish a report and take no action.

I talked to an alcoholic after he graduated from a treatment program.  He got drunk on the flight home. This was his second time in treatment.  He told me that the first time he learned what was expected and the second time he complied by role-playing a good patient in order to get to his next drink.

Passive-aggressive maneuvers are hard to cope with because the true motive is hidden until a later time.  The history of the person you are dealing with is your best predictor.

There are many passive-aggressive behaviors and some are more easily discernable. These are actions to resist authority or make others uncomfortable in ways that the passive-aggressive cannot be held accountable.

Sarcasm; Pouting; Wasting someone’s time; Procrastination or inefficiency; Show concern but do nothing to help; Beat up your spouse with a credit card or any excessive spending; Find fault, innuendos, and disguised put-downs; Acting dumb when not, acting confused, refusing to learn; Disgruntled, whine and grumble about unfairness; to name a few.

COUNTERS TO PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS

• In general, bring to light the passive-aggressive’s hidden motives.

• “That sounds like a put down, did you mean it that way?”

• “You sound angry, are you?”

• “So you are saying that there is something special about you that causes others to treat you differently.”

• “I’m convinced that I cannot come up with a solution that you cannot find fault with.”

Most Decisions Have a Downside

When we are symbolically living in a rain forest and hating rain, we must decide whether to move or to stay for other reasons.  We may have something desirable there and not be interested in a move.  The worst choice of all is a decision to stay, but to get angry with each rain shower.  If we stay, we need to accept the rain and no longer get angry.  I’m not suggesting putting a lid on the feelings or denying them.  Feeling the loss and grieving is the remedy.

I have all the information that I need or can get, but I hesitate to decide because:

I don’t want to give anything up-I want it all! Making a choice means giving up one path to pursue another.

It’s too quick.  I haven’t struggled enough yet.  To struggle means I care.

I am waiting for others or fate to make my decision.

I am afraid others will be hurt by my decision.

I know that my “want to” is poor judgment, but I won’t give it up.

I believe that there is only one right decision.  I must find the key before I decide.

I have trouble with beginnings in life (or with endings or both).

I don’t give myself permission to make independent decisions.

I don’t want to grow up, and decision-making is grown up business.

All of the above blocks are unrealistic.  Your task is to overcome any blocks that fit you.

An important decision is to assess the benefits of staying in the situation (or leaving) with the risks of staying (or leaving).  This process involves more than listing the pros and cons and deciding to go with the longest list.  The items must be weighted in terms of facts, but also emotional needs.

• What is important is the courage to make decisions, the ability to learn from the decision, and the capacity to care for ourselves when stressed by the decision.
  

• Be sure and “own” all the decisions that are made, instead of blaming others or circumstances as “forcing us” to decide.  When we do this, we are less likely to feel a victim or behave as a victim.

Question to Ask Yourself

1.      Will this decision and the actions following: increase my self-respect, decrease my self respect, or leave it unchanged?

2.      What do I hope to accomplish with this decision and what is the probability of success.

3.      What are the potential risk and the probability of each action.

 

 

The quality of our lives revolves around a few simple satisfiers.  These are not what we desire as children: fame, riches, beauty or power.  By themselves they are fluff without substance.  These childish hopes are window dressing “feel goods” that can come quickly, like winning the lottery, but the joy that they bring will be short lived unless the “lucky” person also possesses the other, more basic satisfiers.  Instead, I’m committed to discover a sense of purpose, establishing healthy relationships, personal and spiritual development, and anticipation.

To have a satisfying life we must have a sense of purpose.  We must be productive in an area that is fulfilling and purposeful.  This activity does not have to be income-producing.   Operate as a successful mother or father of our children can fulfill our purpose.  We may find fulfillment in a volunteer activity or an artistic talent.

A second basic satisfier is establishing healthy relationships, both friendships and more intimate relationships.  Successful relationships, over time, are difficult and require mature skills.  Most people in relationships are not static but constantly changing.  So, figuring out what is necessary to make a particular relationship work today may change tomorrow and have to be reworked, again and again. 

A third area is personal, spiritual, growth and development.  We experience satisfaction as we grow and mature.   When we grow and develop our skills in living, we are less stressed, more social, and more successful.  We all seek to understand the mysteries of life and the meaning in our lives and in God.

A fourth area is something to anticipate, to hope for, to look forward to happening.  This satisfier can enhance the other three but spurs us onward to more delights.  We want to grow emotionally and interpersonally.  We look forward to understanding ourselves, understanding those to whom we relate, and a search for questions, perhaps never to be answered.  Hope keeps us asking the questions, so, our hopes for the future never end. 

REPEATING BEHAVIORS THAT WE HATE

 Romans 7:14-20

Paul moans about being human and sinful, “We know that the Law is Spiritual; but I am a mortal man, sold as a slave to sin.  I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.  Since what I do is what I don’t want to do, this shows that I agree that the Law is right.  So I am not really the one who does this thing; rather it is the sin that lives in me—that is, in my human nature.  For even though the desire to do good is within me, I am not able do it.  I don’t do the good I want to do; instead, I do the evil that I do not want to do.  If I do what I don’t want to do, this means that I am no longer the one who does it; instead, it is the sin that lives in me.”

Why Do We Defeat Our Goals

I wish now that I had quoted Paul in the introduction of my latest book, Six Hidden Motives That Defeat Your Goals.  I researched the book because those seeking therapy, for different problems, have in common that they repeat the same hated behaviors over and over.  “A motive is an internal need or desire that causes you to act. A goal is an aim or purpose that you have in mind. You may have a purpose in mind that is defeated by a need or desire. You can diagnose this situation by observing behaviors that defeat the purpose in mind.” Motives may be unconscious, but the behaviors that they motivate are detectable, exposing the motives into consciousness.

SIX MOTIVES SUMMARY

Interest in the six motives will peak when you are failing to follow your goals.  When this happens, follow these steps:

1. Identify the motive directing your behavior.  Motives may be revealed by the behaviors of each motive.

 

PROBLEM MOTIVES BEHAVIORS

SOCIAL	SELF-INTEREST	MINIMIZE RESPONSI-BILITY	ASSUME RESPONSI-BILITY	VALIDATE BELIEFS	GIVE IN OR GIVE UP
Please, avoid conflict, get reassurance, and want to be loved more than you love.	Get your way, do what feels good, compete, find ways to feel “better than.”	Blame, act a victim, make them feel bad, make them feel sorry for you or escape.	Logical thinking over feelings, hard on self, take responsibility for others, arrogance.	Defend beliefs about self, about cause and effect with negative consequences.  Only associate with those who share your beliefs.	Denial, passive, give up too soon, resentment, self-pity, When Desperate:  violence, suicide, or incapacitation.

            2. Manage the motive by switching to healthy behaviors of the identified motive: