SOCIAL:  Boundaries, Respect, Trust.  I will both set and respect boundaries.  When in conflict, I will resist attempts to manipulate me into changing my thinking, feeling, or behavior.  I will not attempt to change others so that I will feel better. Instead, I will negotiate, not manipulate and make requests instead of demands.  I can care about someone without taking responsibility to solve his or her problems.  I realize that without respect and trust relationships suffer.  If the relationship is to continue, I have an investment in developing respect and trust for that person and to behave in ways that invite respect and trust. I will refrain from causing unnecessary conflict, but I will not avoid conflict at all cost.  I realize that conflict can be a healthy way of resolving differences and improving relationships.  I will engage in conflict without inviting my adversary to feel a victim, and I will commit to not behaving like I am a victim.

SELF-INTEREST:  Self-discipline, Life satisfiers, Assertive actions. Acting out of self-interest is not the same as being selfish.  It is our duty to take care of our needs, and no other person can successfully carry out that duty for us.  However, in doing so, we must act out of reason and not impulse, out of consideration and not manipulation.  We must meet our personal needs without violating the boundaries of others. I am committed to honoring long term goals and not be distracted by immediate feel goods or relief from distress with negative consequences.

MINIMIZE RESPONSIBILITY:  Give up blame.  Instead of manipulating others to get my problem solved or running away from the problem, I will spend my time and energy finding out what to do when a similar incident occurs.  With new resources, I won’t be a victim under similar circumstances.  I know that I have given up being a victim when I have stopped blaming. I realize that mistakes are lessons and that the lesson will be repeated until it is learned.  I will not blame others or circumstances for lessons that I have failed to learn.

RESPONSIBLE:  Solve problems, make decisions, self-care.  I will replace the blame with accepting personal responsibility for creating my own experience.  I can distinguish between problems that are mine to solve, discomforts that are “no big deal,” and problems that are facts of life (unsolvable).  The problems that are not serious, I will let go of and not worry about.  The problems that are unmanageable but result in a loss to me, I will first grieve over the losses and then let go of the problem.  I have or will learn the procedure for setting up problems to be solvable, and I am willing to make hard decisions (and act on them) that might be involved in solving the problems.

VALIDATE BELIEFS -BELIEFS ARE OUR MAP OF REALITY:  Identify and change troublesome beliefs.  Expectations are realistic when our expectations are supported by the outcome that we expected.  No matter how logical, realistic, or moral, an expectation, if there is a history of it not occurring, it is unrealistic.  My goal is to live in reality to the best of my ability. Beliefs include values, self-concept, expectations, taboos, causes and their effects, responsibilities, limitations, distortions of reality, rights, and cultural dictates. Some limiting beliefs are taught to us by our parents: don’t belong (you or we don’t fit in—anywhere), don’t think (I like to think for you), don’t be who you are (I don’t like it), don’t be important (don’t take credit, you’ll get the big head), don’t succeed (you won’t need me), don’t feel (don’t make me uncomfortable), don’t get emotionally close (it makes me uneasy), don’t have fun (grow up fast, I need your help), don’t grow up (stay childlike and be dependent on me), don’t exist (this family would be better off without you), don’t be healthy (either physically or psychologically, because I want to take care of you). (Goulding, 1979 Redecision Therapy) 

GIVE IN OR GIVE UP:  Grieve and forgive. I realize that life is a series of losses and that I must learn to cope with them.  I will practice and increase my skills in grieving, and I am committed to accepting my losses and forgive anyone else involved.