STOPPING THE BLAME-Controlling the Victim Experience

Problems will not be addressed until we stop blaming others or ourselves!  Blame is the opposite of problem solving-even when the content of the blame is accurate.  Blame is the essence of the victim experience and this experience is the basis of immature social behaviors.  When we feel like a victim we scapegoat responsibility for solving our problems to others, or attempt to escape the problems.

Step 1:  Change Blame into a Solvable Problem

More often than not we can take the same circumstance that resulted in blame and rethink it into a solvable problem-one on which we can take action.  All problems can be defined in many different ways; some offering solutions while other definitions block solutions.  For example:

            Blame: “Of course I jumped on her. She flirted with John at the party!”

            Redefined: “My problem is to learn to cope with my jealousy and rage.”

Step 2: Own the Decisions that We Make

Many times we feel victimized, and therefore blame, because we seem to be forced into actions against our wills.  Often, instead of force being the problem, the “victim” has weighed the options and decided to follow the wishes of the “perpetrator.”  Then, the decision is forgotten and the blamer feels coerced.  When it is our decision, although not a perfect one, we are not a victim.

Why We Blame

We blame because the act gives us temporary relief and helps us avoid the perception that we need to change ourselves, which is hard to do.  Instead, our adversary must change.  These comments are frequently heard in conflict counseling: Why me?  It’s not fair!  Why do I have to do all the changing?  Such questions may give us relief by placing the onus to change on others involved.  Still, this approach is impractical and gives away our power to resolve the problem.

Blame is Past Tense

Bring the problem into the present, “Your may be right (in the blame content) but how can we solve the problem at this time?”

If the blamer persists: “I’m willing to listen to you solving the past problem if you will discuss with me the problem we have now!”