Establishing Trust

Goal:  I will stop blaming my mistrust solely on others.  I know that as I learn to cope with the behavior of those in my environment, I will feel safer and my trust will increase.

Trust reflects our feeling of safety in relationships.  To be most effective, the trust should be mutual and not one-sided.  Intimacy, which can feel risky, depends a great deal on the presence of mutual trust.  Defensiveness, hostility, and attempts to change those close to us, can diminish intimacy.

The level of trust in a relationship can be roughly measured by the controlling, defensive, stonewalling or denying behaviors present.  When a person’s need to engage in these maneuvers is low, the level of trust is high.  When someone has a strong need to engage in such behaviors, trust is low.

What are some common misunderstandings about trust?  First of all, we want to believe that people we mistrust can regain our trust by their good behavior.  This hope seems rational but is seldom justified in practice.  When we observe desirable behavior for a while, we may not be persuaded.  Most of us have had the experience of watching a person’s good behavior last for some time but eventually--and seemingly inevitably--end with a blunder.  We find ourselves waiting expectantly for the mistake.  Trust always involves a risk on the part of the person who was betrayed the first time. 

                An example from my practice involves Ellen, who was suspicious of her boyfriend.  He had acted peculiarly when he returned from an out-of-town trip, and she was worried that he was cheating on her.  In a counseling session she announced that she had borrowed a truck that he would not recognize.  She planned to spend the night outside his apartment, spying.  I advised against this detective behavior.  She decided to do it anyway, and no visitors appeared.  Was her trust restored?  Not at all. She reflected, "Maybe that wasn't the night. I can't watch him every night.  I have to work."

                To trust we need a balance of power in relationships.  This doesn’t mean 50/50, but each party needs enough say so that he or she doesn’t stockpile anger.  We must solve problems: 1) without blame, 2)without withdrawing, 3)by making requests instead of demands, 4) be willing to listen, compromise, and forgive.  We must cope with boundary issues and be able to communicate.

FROM HIGH TRUST TO LOW LEVELS OF TRUST Rank these ten statements as they apply to you   

1. I can take care of myself, so, the behavior of others seldom bothers me.
2. When I have relationship troubles I view them as my problem to solve.
3. When people make mistakes, I give them another chance.
4.  I trust most people until they let me down then, I write them off.
5. I can be at ease with almost anyone as long as I get approval.
6. I feel safe only when I get special treatment.
7. I have to know exactly what to expect from others.
8. I have a select group or people who do things my way.
9. I feel comfortable when others know exactly what I want and do it.
10. I feel relaxed only when other people are perfect.