Luke 18: 9-14  The Sin of Pride

Jesus spoke this parable to some who were Self-confidently sureThat they were righteous and who despised others.

 “Two men went to the Temple to pray. The one was a Pharisee, the other a tax-collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘O God, I thank thee that I am not as the rest of men, thieves, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax-collector. I fast twice a week. I give a tenth of all that I get. The tax-collector’ stood afar off, and would not lift even his eyes to heaven, and kept beating his breast and said, ‘O God, be merciful, to me—the sinner.’ I tell you, this man went down to his house accepted with God rather that the other, because everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted."

FALSE PRIDE

False pride is a frequent cause of conflict. We become too sensitive to comments about ourselves that threaten who we want to be. Pride is an illusion of self-worth, but we humans have often been attracted to things that help us cover a weakness.   Still, illusions are easily debunked.  Prideful people must continually keep up their guard to prevent the discovery of their real selves. A favorite prideful protection is looking for ways to prove that we are better than our peers is.  We want more money, bigger houses, better offices and cars.  We must be better than others because we have more!

Pride is what keeps us living into the unrealistic, but culturally accepted, expectations.  We can’t be perfect, but we can sometimes keep others from knowing that.  We all have flaws, but we can hide them.  Pride is always out of reality.  We may be justifiably happy about an accomplishment, but false pride comes about when we feel intrinsically better than those who accomplish less.

False pride becomes destructive when the prideful person feels entitled to treat others with disrespect. False pride breeds arrogance: “My way is the best way and I don’t need the good will of others.” My false pride will be threatened by differences, so I must prove the way that I am different is the better way.

HUMILITY RELIEVES US OF FALSE PRIDE

Humility is feeling no better nor worse than our peers—we are eyeball to eyeball when assessing the worth of our peers and us.  With humility, unnecessary conflict will be greatly reduced.  A question we may ask ourselves when we are upset by someone else’s behavior is, “Is the behavior destructive and to be avoided or has my false pride been wounded.”  Remember, false pride is an illusion of worth.

We must be able to perceive and evaluate without judging the basic worth of others. Assessing the skills or lack there of in someone is permissible, but judging that person of being worth more or less is arrogant. We must believe that others are worthwhile even if we can’t see the evidence. Humility invites us to be a good listener and not interrupt or hurry the speaker.

Know your rights and stand up for them.  Respect the rights of others. Be aware of your arrogance and stop thinking that “Only I can make it right.  I must be responsible to solve the problems and protect the feelings of my associates because I do it better.”

When you are truly humble, you can own your weaknesses and are willing to change.

Matthew 18:24-27

Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  Up to seven times?”  Jesus said to him, “I tell you not up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.  That is why the Kingdom of Heaven can be likened to what happened when a king wished to make a reckoning with his servants.  When he began to make a reckoning one debtor was brought to him who owed $2,400,000.  Since he was quite unable to pay, his master ordered him to be sold together with his wife and children, and all his possessions, and payment to be made.  The servant fell on his face and besought him: ‘Sir, have patience with me, and I will pay you in full’ The master of the servant was moved with compassion, and let him go, and forgave him the debt.

As Paul Harvey would say, the rest of the story is that the servant was also owed a debt that he would not forgive and had the debtor arrested.  His master found out about it and punished his servant that refused to forgive.  Jesus was making the point that to expect to be forgiven we must be willing to forgive.

Psychological Relevance

As a psychologist I view forgiving as a fundamental issue in any relationship counseling.  All relationships are flawed at some point and forgiveness is necessary for healing. Long-term resentment will poison our heart. Forgiving is a stress reliever to the offended person and the person receiving the forgiveness need not be aware of the act. Although if it a continuing relationship, expressing the forgiveness is part of the healing.

There is one, usually unrecognized, problem with many forgivers.  It is an intellectual exercise without much feeling.  This empty forgiveness is often covered up with the statement, “I can forgive but I can’t forget.”  All too often this response can be interpreted as, “I know that it is proper to forgive and I will do it, but in my heart I have changed nothing.”  Healthy forgiving is an emotional event.  Forgiving would not be necessary unless the offended person suffered a loss of substance or of self.  I propose that first we must grieve over the losses which is very emotional.  After grieving, forgiving is much easier and more effective.

Philosophy of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is often seen as doing something for the other person.  As one writer put it, however, forgiveness is not just a “nice gesture to let people off the hook for their meanness or stupidity; instead, it is a valuable gift that we give to ourselves.”  It allows us humans to let go of the past and begin anew.  To harbor resentment is to litter our souls with emotional bomb craters.

Forgiveness is important in the process of change.  It is difficult to solve a problem or to create a healthy relationship with a partner, friend, or fellow worker whom we resent.  If we fail to forgive, we condemn ourselves to feeling miserable, losing sleep, and missing out on life’s satisfactions.  To forgive our antagonist we must stop expecting, unrealistically, that he or she will be perfect or will always please us.  Much resentment in a relationship develops when the adversary is only being himself or herself.  If we can’t forgive, the chances are that we will use blame or manipulation in coping with the problem.

What about justice and restitution?  One writer has called revenge “junk food for the soul.”  Junk food gives us comfort and sometimes a high.  If we consume enough of it, our body may deteriorate.  Revenge may be sweet at the moment, but it destroys our character.

When our friend has chastised us in the past and now makes a stupid mistake, what do we do?  We could retaliate.  Such a response would be understandable.  Still, unless we expect to be perfect ourselves; we are setting us up for the next round.  We have created a loser in the contest who can’t wait to get back at us and  have added another wound in the relationship.

If we choose not to take advantage of the opportunity, we will build character.  We will have avoided creating a new wound, and some old  ones perhaps will heal.  I’m not saying that we need to give in passively.  It is okay to notice the mistake.  We could be nurturing.  In mentioning the error we could support and be sympathetic with our friend, who may be feeling appropriately guilty.

Forgiving means relinquishing the position as a victim.  Proving that we have been victimized provides power and drama to the victim.  We may be allotted sympathy, restitution, and justifiable revenge, as well as feeling righteous indignation, which is one of the more powerful highs we can attain.  If it could be bottled, it would sell.  Some of us need to keep a mental list of wrongs done to us, which allows ourselves to feel powerful and motivated and to cover our own mistakes that injure others.  Forgiving wipes out that list and reveals a number of personal problems to be solved.

Forgiveness does not mean allowing others to run over us without concern.  We can learn how to set boundaries, assert our rights, and defend against manipulators.  Forgiveness, which is about letting go of the past, does not ever prevent us from standing up for ourselves.

 Forgiving Ourselves

Sometimes we find it harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others.  Self-forgiveness is preceded by the admission, implicit or explicit, that we did something wrong.  Pride can interfere with acknowledgment of the mistake.  It is arrogant to expect perfection from ourselves or to believe that our sins are special and that they distinguish us from others.  When our errors seem too significant to be forgiven, we may feel that we are losing something by pardoning ourselves.  Still, we owe it to our loved ones to forgive ourselves. 

Self-hatred will not make us pleasant company.  When self-love is blocked, forgiveness of the self makes possible the necessary healing. Self-forgiveness entails a responsibility to change.  Otherwise, it is only permission to misbehave.  Forgiveness is empty unless we make a commitment to take responsibility and be accountable for our future actions.  I don’t mean that it would be unforgivable if we repeated the mistake.  But unless we at least intend to change, forgiveness may become meaningless in time.

A Psychologist Reflects on Scripture

There is a recent interest in looking for mutual support between science and religion. Much of the current interest is from the physical sciences. The focus has come from quantum physics which doesn’t always support the older models of science. I am interested in reading the scripture from a  psychological point of view. Christians, Muslims, and Jews have different interpretations of their Holy Books within each religion, but all believe that these writings have a valuable message in their content.

I consult at a partial hospital (consisting of six hours of therapy, after which the participants go home each night). Our therapeutic routine is to teach a concept and then lead a group around the concept. There is a religious group led by a Catholic religious, a Nun. Her session followed mine. On several occasions, when she was absent, I was asked to lead her group. I had no credentials, except attending Church and Sunday school, so I was somewhat uncomfortable. I have loved the Gospel of John, and I looked there for direction. I read the passage in which the scribes and Pharisees attempted to catch Jesus in a contradiction. They brought to him a woman caught in the act of adultery and asked his counsel on the matter. If he followed the law and said “stone her,” he would contradict his teaching on love and mercy. If he said “pardon her”, he would be teaching others to break the law of Moses and suggest that adultery was acceptable. He avoided the dilemma, saying to them, “Let the man among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone at her.”

That was my epiphany.  Jesus wisely used what psychologists today call “reframing.” Reframing is a technique that involves taking the same set of facts and viewing them from an alternative angle. For example, an employee complains of an employer who is the most difficult man imaginable to work for, and he can’t afford to quit. His psychologist responded, “From what you are telling me, you would be justified in leaving, but this boss may turn out to be your best teacher in handling a difficult person. If you survive, you can gain self-respect and be prepared to handle other difficult people.”

How can we get what we want and need without disturbing relationships? One possibility is to do nothing and hope that, in time, others will figure out what we want. Alternately, we can ask directly. If that doesn’t work we can use our persuasive powers. When we are at an impasse we can negotiate or engage in cooperative problem solving. When we are less concerned about preserving relationships we may engage in manipulation, making demands, acting like a victim, taking legal action, and using physical or psychological coercion.

The maneuvers listed previously include the healthy and the unhealthy, the less intrusive and the very intrusive. In deciding which to use, we must understand our own wants and needs, over the short term and the long, and also the depth of our commitment to a permanent, healthy relationship with another person. Below are some maneuvers to get our needs met, beginning with the least intrusive and progressing to the most intrusive.

Accepting an Offer

Accepting an offer is a problem for some people because they feel that they don’t deserve what is offered. Those of us who suffer from deep-rooted shame or who have been taught to regard themselves as second-class citizens may have trouble accepting what is freely given. If this description fits, start to change by accepting compliments at a feeling level.

Requesting: Expressing Wants and Needs

A simple way of getting what we want--and one that many people find difficult--is to ask for it. If it is a true request, we can take “no” for an answer. If a negative response is unacceptable, then we are really making a demand. Many among us prefer to manipulate rather than to ask. Some people feel rejected and even victimized when their requests are turned down. Others worry that their partners will do something that they truly don't want to do. If this is a problem, we must decide what we want from others and be willing to announce it. We can even confront at a request level.

The three statements below formulate a healthy request when we don’t like the behavior of others.

I feel -- [hurt, upset, angry, etc.]
When you -- [the unwanted behavior]
What I want you to do is -- [the desired change].

This formula provides an undemanding way to request a change.If your partner complains or accuses you of being demanding, reply, "Hey, I’m only giving you free information about my feelings in light of your behavior. You don’t have to do anything!"

Persuading vs. Manipulating

Persuasion, selling, and influencing are techniques frequently used to get what we want. They succeed, however, only when the person trusts us and assumes that accepting our point of view will not result in a loss.

If we can talk our spouse or friends into seeing the matter our way, that’s great. We must be sure to keep the focus on healthy influence and avoid slipping into manipulation.

Manipulation is the tactic used to make our associates do as we wish regardless of whether he or she wants to. If we are manipulators, in order to get our way, we won’t mind conning, cheating, tricking, or lying to get our way.

Demanding

When demands are made, refusal is an unacceptable response. There are healthy reasons for using demands--occasionally. Sometimes the underlying issue is moral or ethical, and compromise is not easy. Sometimes what is at stake is one of our high priorities. It is possible that two healthy individuals will have mutually exclusive demands.

What do we do when two healthy people have opposing demands about which they feel strongly and equally? This situation is ideal for competitive negotiation or cooperative problem solving. Competitive negotiation, unlike cooperative problem solving, is adversarial. The participants may back off from their original positions until they reach an agreement. In such negotiations, it is important to be perceived as reasonable and not as bargaining in bad faith, which could cause the opposing party to terminate the process.

Negotiation and problem solving are processes whereby two or more persons decide what each will give to and take from the relationship.It involves a communication process to resolve conflict or to put an agreement together.The parties involved usually have mixed motives: how to get what we want (and as much as we can) without seriously disrupting relationships. Still, in negotiation the relationship is less important than winning. In cooperative problem solving the relationship is most important.

1. The first consideration is “Was there anything of value to me in the criticism?” A personal example is my speaking to a group of lawyers and, at the break, a member of the group advised, “You might be interested to know that our group does not respect a professional who does not wear a coat and tie.” I’m standing there, open collard, no coat or tie in sight. I could get angry at the confrontation and retort, “Listen, this is my seminar and I will wear any damned thing I want to!” Alternatively, I could realize that the criticizer had given me a choice of which I was unaware. I can adorn a coat and tie for the second day of the seminar or I could decide that I would do a better job if I dressed comfortably, even if a few lost respect. In the end I compromised, deciding on a coat and tie with blue jeans.

2. As part of my response, I will avoid any show of defensiveness. I will listen for something in what I hear and reframe the information into solving a problem. For example, “I realized that we have different opinions and I care about our relationship, so I am willing to listen intently to your opinion and hope you will listen objectively to mine."

3. Next, I need to take care of any uncomfortable feelings I may be having with healthy self-talk, “It’s good to remember that I don’t have to be perfect.” If you manage to be perfect you will be kicked out of the human race and lose friends.  Your friends would all feel inadequate around you and, in time, would avoid you.

The Burned-out Perfectionist

This quote doesn't make sense to most people. There is one group with whom the title resonates—perfectionist who have given up on achieving their goals. This group includes bright, capable people who underachieve. Typically, these unrealistic expectations began with parents, in my experience, otherwise good and loving parents. Sometimes the parent(s) realize that they have birthed a budding genius. Naturally they want to maximize his or her intellectual growth. In one case, when he was in elementary school, his mother would review his very good work and grade it at a college level. He would look at the red marks from his mother's corrections and feel a failure. He could never please her. In the 5^th grade he gave up and his grades began to drop. Punishment made it worse. He made a decision to avoid anything academic. He left home in high school and disappeared. He worked as a laborer. He had reached a stage of “burnout.”

People burn out when their expectations of themselves are unrealistically high or they are in a situation that denies them access to achieve their potential. Burnout is an adjustment to this stress and begins when they stop caring. This decision gives them temporary relief but does little to solve the problem. Some do as little as possible to get by. Others give up, quit their jobs or drop out of school as the budding genius above—WHAT A WASTE!

I had a moment of insight provided by a very bright (on IQ tests) high school junior who was making the lowest possible grades to get him out of school, and he had no ambition to go to college. In one of our meetings he said, “I would rather have potential than to be successful.” I asked him to explain what he meant. He answered, “You can lose success or someone can take it away, but your potential always remains steady, especially if it is never tested. You can have this secret pride; I could do it if I wanted to but I don't care anymore.” He said this with a big smile.

Correcting this burned out perfectionist is not accomplished through motivating him or her toward success. The beginning is to work on the perfection first, then on “caring” once more (through esteem building).