Two opposing motives are preserving our relationships and meeting our self-interests.  Both have a history as long as we Homo-sapiens have been around.  We are social creatures and need each other to be effective survivors. We are hard wired to compete to get our way, also important in the quality of our survival.  Our success depends on keeping a balance between our social motives and self-interest motives that may shift back and forth but never very far apart.  If either motive dominates, over time we will suffer.  If we always want our way, in time, we will destroy our relationships.  That is a no brainer.  Still, if we subdue our needs and focus on keeping others happy, we will be dishonest and stuff anger.  Both will cause relationship problems.

Early in our history we figured out a safe way to compete that is less threatening to relationships.  In earlier times it was sex related. Sports were a male way to compete but were risky and required athletic skill.  However, spectator sports require nothing more than choosing a side.  Women compete with fashion.  Beauty is not required; only an eye for what looks good.  In today’s world those sex roles often reverse.  Many women are avid sports fans and some men value dress.  In fact, employment interviews may be decided by the appearance of the interviewee, male or female.   

Still, these safe ways sometimes create family conflict.  A wife complains that he abandons the family during deer hunting or football season and she wants him to honor his role as a husband and father.  “You only think of yourself and you do it to the extent that it is a sin!” A husband complains about his wife’s spending on shoes.  “You will bankrupt the family, and I just hope your feet are happy.  You have more shoes than you will ever wear more than once.  You obviously don’t consider me and the kids and our needs!”

These conversations show contempt, wanting their mate to feel bad, which may escalate the conflict.  A better confrontation would be, “I admire your passion for hunting and I want us to find a compromise between your passion and family time.”  “Your taste in shoes amazes me, but I hope you will work with me on a budget that considers the family as a whole.”  Work with these healing interests, not against them.

I invite your comments.  Some of you may have observed additional ways of us being competitive without disrupting relationships.  You may have arguments with the premise set forth about spectator sports and fashion.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE PATTERN

Consulting with a psychiatric hospital, I deal with a number of different self-destructive patterns, one of which is described below.

DESTRUCTIVE SELF-CONTROL

These persons believe that if they are hard enough on themselves they will control future unwanted behaviors, thoughts and feelings that do not serve them well and lead to mistakes. These persons develop unrealistic expectations of themselves. They usually begin with self-criticism and put downs. Shame soon follows with ideas of self-punishment and, if they believed as a child that their family would have been better if they had never been born, they entertain suicidal thoughts. These destructive thoughts may occasionally achieve self-control but eventually develop into a fearful child experience. To seek relief they may move into a regressed, child-like anger (most likely) or into a very primitive method of self-protection. If anger is chosen as the first response, the primitive protective behaviors will follow.

 

REGRESSED FEAR

Here they may feel abandoned and vulnerable. With no defenses or effective boundaries they feel overwhelmed and terrified. They have a sense that they can be easily destroyed, and some have panic attacks.

 

REGRESSED ANGER

The focus here is to avoid personal responsibility and blame others. Out of their perceived hurt, they pout, punish, refuse to forgive, seek revenge and some move on to hate. Their angry tools include: criticize, attack, reject, get rid of, with the attitude of “screw you and screw off.”

 

PRIMITIVE PROTECTOR

The first response is to numb out, not feel anything or at least hide your feelings from others. It feels safer not to think, to stop caring, don’t listen and act confused. You can aid numbing with starving, binge-purge, exercise, drugs, taking risks, self-mutilate, excessive spending, or compulsive sex. Many keep their hopes up by waiting for a future event that will bring happiness. This primitive protector is only effective part of the time. The actions involved always lead back to the Destructive Self-Control, and the cycle begins again. Defiance (you can’t make me) and apathy (I don’t care) are most frequently used by adolescents, adults who haven’t matured past their adolescence or have reached a stage of burnout.


BREAKING THE PATTERN

This pattern can be redirected at two different points: the Destructive Self-Control and the Primitive Protector. Emotions are too strong in the Angry or Fearful child states to exercise much control. As soon as you detect the discounting of self in the Destructive Self-Control, shift into positive, loving, self-talk. You must OVER LEARN this skill. After acting out of the child states be sure to forgive yourself completely: “Even though I have lost control and acted with fear (or anger) I love, forgive and accept myself completely.” This intervention is explained in more detail in Six Hidden Motives That Defeat Your Goals (Pelican Pubs)

When in the Primitive Protector: know that you will be immune to any therapeutic interventions. Decide what is more important to you at this time: reducing distress that will be followed by more stress or changing the pattern. Whichever you choose, continue to feel good about yourself, nurture, love and forgive.

EXERCISE

Instead of having an internal dialogue of positive self-talk, problem solving, or advice, write the dialogue. With your non-dominant hand, write about your feelings, beliefs, defenses, resistance, habits and symptoms. Respond to this needy, feeling part of you by writing wise advice with your dominant hand, solving the problem, offering comfort, self-love and appreciation. Continue to switch back and forth with hands and content until some resolution or relief is reached.